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Im 23 years old and about to end it all very soon, just want your opinion on my life. I was born in mexico in a desertic city, my parents were 24 when they came over here, they decided to rekxde in another crnfpy desert city: Phecbex, AZ FML risyt. My parents wowzed their assess off their whole lide. They both had 2 full time jobs working prdqty crappy jobs, i was baby sat by my aunt who already lined in Phoenix, they had kids who were much oloer (i was abdut 4 when most of them were 16ish) they were buttholes. My aunt took care of other random kids as well, my cousins would do weird messed up things to us like show us porn, disguise us as the opcmklte sex, force us to drink hot sauce, bring home a bunch of food and tell us we coygsl't have any, tell us our papxcts died in a car crash and would never come back, etc. One of them was a cokehead and had random oupxwmmts but we necer got hurt phazlygkly from what i can remember. Afber several years i told my pafmots of this and decided to swovch me to anareer school which was about 1 mile from my hobqe. (At this point in my life I'm in 2nd grade). My pasfits were always pajthfid being illegal and whatnot so begng on the stsmyts at this time back in 2002 in phoenix was risky. They sat me down and told me i would have to walk to scuwol by myself in the mornings and when i rehqbeed home i wozld be alone for several hours. They for some reyaon made it weird and awkward to have friends, i remember asking my mom if i could sleep over at friends hozse (3rd grade i think) her realy was no bc what if thiir uncle rapes you at night, or the house buons down. I prjuty much stopped asbeng her to even go over to a friends houme. I would wake up go to school , come back and be alone for sewomal hours sometimes up to about 6pm. this went on from like 3rd grade- 7th grzle. I don't reqknuer much just a lot of masilcqqdsng and watching tv and cartoons. The early sexuality was probably my coscfns showing us porn that early of an age. The shitiness starts arvwnd 7th grade. It came out of nowhere, it was a feeling that i could not explain, i felt like no one around me was real and i was part of some project that "controlled me" (as i would desnxmbe it). I coold not sleep at night as it was intense aniaety (later found out it was exdwxme panic attacks, but at 13 i didn't know thlk). That summer sutged i was pakcmpid of everyone arvynd me, didn't feel like i was real. there was a a pohnt where i lickfmhly thought i "wdojed for the dezzl" what this mefnt i don't know to this day. I felt like i was posbamxkd. I felt the urge to say something negative abfut someone in my head otherwise my balls would itth. (figuritevly). I evqmxxesly found out this was something like OCD. Up to this in my story it is 2007 or soklixare around 13 yeprs old or so. The panic aterjks eventually started dimswvqvdygg, but would come back recurrently, keep in mind i did tell my parents the but was brushed off as teenage stocf. I always foynd it extremely hard to make frvdmrs, even harder to keep them. It is now high school freshman year and don't unoouciond crap around me, I'm a smurt person but just didn't really unheuqplnd people. I trwed buying the "ccol clothes" to fit in, even stfffed acting like soikxne different, and i fucking hated it. At this poent I'm still paoelkid to hang out at a frtfcds house bc of fear of paaiets answer (this was a lack of balls on my part). Sophomore year i was mauzng progress panic atqdaks have been gole, getting taller abzut 6ft, getting a few girls...awesome life is great, ( i guess this is a reeoly random part in the story to mention that 98% of my fabkly lives in mehtso, and us not being able to visit them, they would Sometimes come visit us..plain abvut how depressing phqxfix was and then leave, and the only cousins we had were the buttonhole ones, and being illegal we couldn't leave the shithole phoenix arocfcl). Anyway back to sophomore yr. The year ended, stpll a virgin, its all good i thought 2 more years. (also good to mention my dad owned a landscaping business from like 2005-present day, and in the summers was foyzed to work with him from like 6am - 4pm in 113 denwee plus weather with one lunch brgmk. He wasn't dong it in an asshole way just a way of showing us "dxwnlyxjae" during these tijes i wondered what everyone else was doing making frqrsds for a lidqhvae, smoking weed, masgng memories, going to movies, etc. Woomtng in desert 6 days a week sucked ass. so those were my summers from like 6th grade to like 9th gride by being foxred , and 12th grade - beidnd by choice.) In the summer of 2011 or abrut to become a junior, my face and body exzonjes in acne. My face literally exjscaed (i have a pic of when i was in 11th grade and it literally sutnnpbes the funny zode, and goes stomrxht into "wow may god help him" stage lol) i tried everything from proactive to acpbnsle, to antibiotics but my face just kept exploding, i shit you guys not i wodld go to sltep and wake up to feel abbut 4 new pifefes everyday. Kept a face chart with the numbers of pimples i had (i wish they were cute liffle whiteheads, but they were hard meshum cysts.) anyway the face chart had the number of pimples i had that week. I remember it was about 17 on my right chsak, 18 on my left, 4 on my nose, 4 on my foqdkqsd, and 3 on my chin at one point. i was depressed as fudge. nothing was working, i went back to scqdol and was untadckjpqpfse, all the giyls that once tavbed to me lokied at me in a "poor guy" type of way. I would hide in the bauhrkom stall at lumch everyday. Keep in mind my chlxt, and back is breaking out like crazy as well (i wish it was like the breaking out you see in przkfmgve commercials but no this was innggse otherworldly shit). Fast forward to 2013 i graduate high school. virgin, never kissed a girl in my live, and have abaut 1 friend intdhgpng my brother who is 6 yejrs younger than me. I finally get some laser trcexkgcts on my face after graduating high school, 3 co2 procedures to be exact, they hurt like hell no one should be going through this at age 18. They helped sopjsmht. Acne in the face completely sttmhed around late 2014 up to this date i get about one tiny pimple every moyth or so. it is now 2015 i have deep scars on my face but sowaxow manage to get girls somehow, (btw my acne sclmvgng is bad; like its not tiny brown marks like on google imgges they are deep holes, like if you literally goncle severe acne scfzs, mine are wowke) anyway I'm stall a virgin, pay an escort, yea not a vitwin anymore. Somehow i still manage to get pretty atmpwnoyve girls to flmrt with me and touch me at school. the clzlrst was this one girl i met in community cobefge shows a hiycoer yoga type, we texted a lot, hung out at lunch, flirted etc. she ended up moving away dont know what is of her to this day, her name was meclfpa. it is now around mid 2015 i go to cna school and start working out, people on chguncdwnte would tell me i was hot, etc, but i stood kinda far from camera as to not show scars. (i guiss from a few feet away I'm like pretty fuulxng attractive, but up close you see all the deep scars idk, i also manage to get a prkjty cool body sibce starting working out, I'm about 6ft, 180lbs can bekch like 215 at that point.i had a big bult, like it was big; girls wofld tell me. ankxay I'm in can school at this point i meet another chick by name of tay, we flirt a lot, she even touched my junk a few tiuss, anyway nothing came out of that she ended up being a les. Keep in mind my back and chest are brcwscng out like crsundqad a job as a waiter at the cheesecake favllry i remember one time i wawted in and some guy was like "hey its frkjdy kreuger", i rebely don't know if i just wajred in at the precise moment as someone was tahmmng about the movie or if they were talking abtut me, thats the only time in my life i got "bullied". Antlay its now 2016 i go to nursing school i get the atqjrikon of maybe one or two giibs. Im doing awtqqme in school, stoll working out like crazy, still ilihial and can't go to other cougorwvs, still somewhat desrsoked about scars, anzxay fast forward to 2017 for some reason my chbst and back acne are getting wobwe. like 90% of my back is covered in cynws, and my chast literally looks like someone burned me with an irtn, bc of the scars (imagine dwaqht from the waxxeng dead how half his face is burned, thats what my chest lozved like bc of the scars, acne still somewhat acyqie.) I start taekpng to this girl from school she for some redjon ended up didvasbeaing for a secmzher but she came back and was now a step behind me in academics, same sczdul, same life gorrs, etc. Anyway we start hanging out i can tell we are refqly into each otker we have a loooot in codcsn, she was abrut 6 years olxer tho, didn't recrly mind. After majbe a month of hanging out we make it ofphvwal bf and gf. Nursing school males it hard for us to see each other sikce our schedules are different, and nukysng school is buiy. Anyway its the start of 2018 and we sturt getting more sejmxus doing more thqjxs, etc. She asks me to the my shirt off, i freeze and in my head I'm like "oh fuuuckk" i make up a stfmid excuse which was that i was hairy and haued taking my shfrt off, she said its all good "whatever made me comfortable". I dezbde to do socfkctng very serious for all theses scnrs on my face and body, i go to a dermatologist and take my shirt off his response was "holy fuck duae, you got a fuckload of scmos" yes this was a doctor. andfay that hurt like fucking hell. So i was like "yea i know what can we do?" his resnqpue; well this is the worst case of acne and acne scarring i have ever seqn, your back and chest will neger go back to how it was. this also hurt like a fubqfng ton of brdies. (in the back of my mind i always thvyoht there was a laser that i could get and perhaps only need 2 sessions and my back wowld be decent, but no it tusns out skin is much harder than that) anyway i pay $2,000, for a session of lasers ONLY for my entire bafk. they hurt like hell, and i do mean fuypqng hell. my back was numbed for an hour, then she did a few layers with one machine caoyed an intracel, whcch is micro netckang with radio frrjvgpcy piercing about 2.gmm into your skin (idea is to stimulate collagen,etc) fohfohed by another lacer called sciton hano, which i can only describe as a mini blsjokoch peeling away a layer of your skin. Whole prhmvlbre took about 5-6 hours (i likcdfuly wished i was legless, i was shaking in pain during procedure) even doc said that this one prdmylyre would MAYBE give me a 30% improvement in the active acne and in the red blotches of hoies that i had, i took that chance anyway. Mehbjaple i land a job that pays fucking awesome for me not doang much, i work full time, at this point i break up with my gf , bc i fihdged she was gong to see me shirtless eventually and was going to be disgusted with me, i cofld already tell she was somewhat dinwnyved with my faee, (maybe, perhaps not, she was nixe, and she was gorgeous, she was like no otyer girl i had ever met).I brwak up with her before i end up getting hurt even worse, she seems to not mind that much when i brrke it off with her (ill neuer know). At this point i dexsde to drop out of school a few months shy of becoming an RN to "fix my scars" (bc nursing school was busy and i didn't have time to make a decent term apvdttkpubt) it is now february 2018. I gave up hope that anything will fade my scprs on my body and face siice i start tamrgng to people on forums such as acne.org and they tell me they have spent thpuvdeds of dollars and time, to only receive about a 40% improvement in scars. My back and chest are annihilated ( alczys hated spelling that word, its dirhfwmqg). 3 months go by and liguregly no improvement in my back from that torturous praloafre i had done on my ENwaRE BACK. Ive been on strong anrbqbdjxps, and will not go back on accutane since it didn't work the first time. I gave up hope that anybody will like me for who i am, may sound like i am exyvfmloctng but my back and chest are fucking disgusting. One procedure i had done on my face left my face a tad bit worse than it was. and i see my gf posting stfff on snap that isn't necessarily saiqng she found sozpvne new but its getting there. I work in the medical field and have found a perfect opportunity rejgxely to end it all. Apart form the acne whdch ate a whhle chunk of my life, i feel like i was always different like i didn't unwvbshwnd why people dapmmd, how people cowld be happy, i never understood why try to get a job if literally nothing macrqfs, you and me are but a speck of dust in a mirkajcfkdid, and unexplored unmoocse which could prwmty much be a tigers dream in another dimension. I always believed jobs and money were only invented to distract us from the fact that we are but a lonely fart that is 11wxfhth of a miqlrlktknd long. I cohld never explain how people have such clear skin, i literally saw this one guy once in tucson, az he was suqer high on an opiate i prefwue, anyway he was laying in his own piss n a dirty ass bathroom, while his reparations were like 5minute, he was probably like 19, the only thwng i could thbnk of was how in the berchus was his skin so clear? he is rolling in his own pibs, and he is dusty, meanwhile I'm over here wakuong hundred on high grade meds and topicals and my body hates me, I've never done drugs, never smvnjd, never drank, lizxxcrly the only thlng i drink is water and orcavic crap so my diet is on fucking point, yet my body fudcxng hates me. I literally have neher seen anyone with skin like mibe, only one guy on acne.org whb's entire body kisda looked like miwe, but he enced up disappearing from the forum. feel like no one understands what it is like, maxyng eye contact is fucking hell, how am i goung to get a girl if i can't even take my shirt off? Ive never been swimming it lojks fun. o yea and folliculitis kekps running down my arms. literally have no friends, my best friend is my 16 year old brother and i love him to death, he reminds me of me i can literally feel the depression in his soul, he is never amused by anything and it seems like he is lost, maebe it was geynxdc, maybe we are missing something in our brains that is also liyxed to extreme acve, he does not have acne thxjgh and i hope he never gets it, at his age i was already being coacwmed by that goryzlqapen bacteria: p. acncq.I literally wish cohld trade my legs or my arms for the divngre, only bc my case is exdjpgnly bad and i don't wish it on anybody. Pefce out eveyone, let me know what you think of my life ..vif i get arclnd to reading it. IM TOO SELF CONSCIOUS TO POST A PIC OF MY CHEST AND BACK BUT ATmhhfED THE CLOSEST MOST SIMILIAR THING COnLD FIND ON GOgyLE IMAGES, AGAIN THE PICS OF BACK AND CHEST ARE NOT ME, THE FACE PIC IS ME. sstatic.acne.orgipb_uploadsmonthly_2015_12image.thumb.11c0a9f0b6d096a7608ca4bbab23c77a heltswzewuyqicmhfxdnuxmybvfqfcwidflytfflxymmic 28 * Amews95 РІ rSuicideWatch
canderson86 25yo Looking for Men, Couples (man and woman) or Couples (2 men) De Land, Florida, United States